Positive affirmations

Hello

Recently I have been going through a dark time due to feelings, thoughts and 1 of my medications being messed with by the GP – which has now been changed back to the tablet I was on originally.

My support worker suggested thinking of positive affirmations which are positive thinking thoughts after she spoke to a Personal Trainer in her gym- not about me just in general she spoke to him about negative thoughts. I also brought the book the persona trainer highly recommended called ‘The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod’ which has inspired me to think of positivty and meditation also writing positive things each day even when I feel depressed and low in mood. It takes 1 hour out of your morning to do the things the author of the Miracle morning does it’s helped him and I’m hoping it helps me/

I have started to think positive slowly, even though i am finding it difficult. I don’t think I’ve felt positive thoughts first in my mind since I was a child before secondary school. I CAN Cope

These are the main positive affirmations I say each day which in a way do help with the encouragement to do them each day by my support workers. I always say I am not able to cope and all these things below are the things I may say but in a negative way such as I can’t do anything.

My positive affirmations;

I AM positive

I AM creative

I AM confident

I CAN do everything I want to do.

The past 2 months I’ve felt dark and depressed BUT i want to change. I’ve bought many sharpeners on the internet shopping to hurt myself as I felt that down and no way out but to cause myself injury and pain. I feel not real most days know DOCTOR has got to the bottom of that feeling but it’s like I detach myself from the world and I see myself like on a screen on a movie watching myself go by.

I hope it’s time to change !

Lucy x

Living in supported living.

I have lived in supported living since August 2012. I had no choice but to move into supported living the choice was made for me when the hospital nurses and doctors at the hospital I was in for my mental health discussed my future after discharge and it was decided I would not be returning to live with my parents. I think my parents were also asked their opinion. It wasn’t certain if i would be in supported living or a residential home to begin with but as they made the decision I was near discharge they felt supported living would be best for me they didn’t think i would last long in a residential home setting.

I am glad in some ways I came to live in supported living I have gained so much independence which I never had before supported living; I load the washing machine and set it up to wash my clothes and put them into the dryer, I cook most of my evening meals, I prepare my lunch, I pay all of my bills , I clean such as vacuum, dust, mop the kitchen/bathroom floor and tidy up, I dry the dishes, I make telephone calls more often such as to benefits, doctor, dentist when required, I choose what to eat and drink.

I have support workers 3 of them they do 24 hour shifts. They are 3 lovely ladies who I have had for several years now and who I trust. I find it hard to trust staff to begin with and find it hard to get used to a new staff member especially with sudden change, I only have 3 main staff and 2/3 people who cover illness and holidays but I do know them as I have had them before when I lived with others. Its down to the autism I have not liking sudden change,

The support workers help me keep safe with my mental health as I do self-harm not much anymore but it is still there, I also have negative thoughts which I have wanted to act on in the past and sometimes I get so low in mood I believe the bad thoughts, They help me cut up things like vegetables/salad as I’m not allowed sharps such as knifes in my kitchen, put my duvet cover and sheets on the bed and give me all my medication in the morning and evenings. I am supported to go out on the bus and to go places in the daytime such as food shopping and meeting friends.

I wish I could be trusted to go out alone but when I was trusted when I first came in the care provider in 2012, I was trusted and ended up buying glass and a razor blade which ended up me being in A&E in the hospital due to cutting deep on my hand and then again on my finger. My mood can flip in an instant I can be happy and then be depressive the next – that is the diagnosis of Autism. My community nurse and psychiatrist are the ones who have decided I have to have support in all community activities and in some activities in the home such as cooking, the exception is when I see 2 of my friends for 1 hour when eating. They oversee certain care plans the psychiatrist and community nurse such as my support plan over the aftercare plan I am on since I left hospital and will be on for the foreseeable future.

I still get to do what I want but with support. I am happy in the environment I live in I am thankful I dont have to share with other clients and that I get to live alone with support workers.

x Lucy x

The years I spent at Queen Alexandra College 2006-2010.

I was a student at a college called Queen Alexandra College (QAC) 10 years ago, between the years of September 2006 – July 2010. I did BTEC Art and Design course for 4 years. I began on first diploma and then went onto national certificate which i completed – just about. I was a day student to begin with. college days ended at 4.45pm except Friday which ended at 3pm, they were long days especially living on the other side of Birmingham I normally was the last one to be dropped home on the evening.

My first 2 years were happy I made friends who I still speak to such as Fatemah who was on the same course as me (I’ve now been friends with her nearly 14 years and still see her) and I had a lovely tutor Hazel which helped who I have met up with Fatemah since college in the last couple of years. I was very quiet and struggled with my confidence. I even had a couple of boyfriends during my time at QAC there is 1 i had which ended very badly in 2008 and college had to get involved and then he left. I would never have attempted to have a boyfriend before QAC.

I remember my first day at college I was amazed at how nice everyone was (I was bullied a lot at school) and I remember my first art project I did which was with the IKON gallery in Birmingham. We all had our work put in a gallery at the IKON gallery at the end of my first term in 2006, it had the theme of Birmingham the project did.

We also did a project asking a tutor questions about the college and their time there which I found extremely difficult as we had to do it infront of the whole college and it was recorded.

I had counselling during college hours with a lovely lady and psychology for a short while. I also had extra personal tutor session in my 3rd and final year. Hazel left during my 2nd year and we had a new tutor called Ben for a short time and then Kanchan.

I wanted to become a residential student after my first 2 years which is now my biggest regret. I wanted to learn independence and get social skills and make new friends. It made me homesick and I hated residential in general it was to busy/crowded and I suffer from sensory issues so the noise was a big deal for me. I tried 2 residential places on campus. I felt isolated, very lonely and I felt the staff didn’t like me. I began to self-harm with anything, and then I was put on anti-depressants a month or 2 later I then attempted an overdose I felt suicidal a lot of the time. It affected me at college during the day. I went back to being a day student it was the colleges and my parents decision. I was happy with the decision.

I still self-harmed as a day student. I just did it at home. I had friends at college mainly Joannah who I met whilst residential if it wasn’t for her I would of quit college. I didn’t attend some days because my mental health got severe. I began to starve myself and got down to 7 stone which was very underweight for my height.

I had counselling twice a week and all the college staff involved with me met up with psychiatry and my community nurse on a few occasions.

I attended discos and other social events at college.

My funding came to an end in 2010 and it was decided I would go to another college to do a course and the transitions at qac helped me get to know the tutor before i started. It was at Sutton Coldfield college, it was closer to home.

I did pass a lot of subjects and got qualifications such as art qualifications, literacy, maths, I.t and work skills, its a shame I suffered badly with mental health and less than a year later after leaving QAC I was sectioned under the mental health act, or i could of completed BTEC Art and Design national diploma at QAC or gone onto another college to do it or even gained employment. I am 30 now and too old to do the art course at my local college.

In 2008/2008 sports days were introduced, enrichment sessions and other college events such as the summer fete and fairs i think.

Living with mental health.

I have lived with mental health for so many years. I first started suffering from mental health issues at school I feel I was about 13 when I was being diagnosed with autism. I started to get anxiety and feel suicidal at the time.

School was hard in secondary school, I was bullied which contributed to me feeling worthless and my confidence was bad the older I got through school by the time I left school I had no confidence what’s so ever which affected college life.

When I began at college to do BTEC Art and Design. I was quiet almost silent I had no confidence and found speaking/communicating very difficult. and disliked when people called me ‘shy’ as I could speak and knew what I wanted to say but had no confidence. Fatemah at college was my closest friend and accepted me in my first two years she left then to go onto university. I also had a couple of boyfriend during my time at college, one of my boyfriends was quite controlling to me and it affected me in many ways. The students at college were mostly lovely and welcoming. I really enjoyed my two years as a day student. I went residential at college in my third year and that’s where the deterioration of my mental health really began!

My third year at college I was not how I was in my first two years. I met a lovely lady whilst residential and we became close but that didn’t help me mentally I started to suffer from depression, anxiety, I began to self harm and I wasn’t sleeping. I hated myself and began to not eat and lived off fizzy diet drinks. I felt like I would be better of dead.

I attempted an overdose in that college year I wasn’t allowed to return as a residential student after that. I was happy with that decision as I could be myself and go home to my family, but it didn’t help my mental health returning to a day student. I continued to self harm and it escalated I was breaking items to hurt myself with every day I was doing it. I was now on my 2nd/3rd attempt at having anti depressants the doctors kept trying their best to help reduce the depressive episodes I was feeling. I was seeing psychiatry, community nursing, occupational therapy and psychology. In the end especially in my last year my 4th year I skipped college a lot and I was having a lot of eating disorder specialists snd psychiatry appointments.

I left college in 2010 and went to another college for a short while from September 2010 to February 2011. I was then admitted into Brooklands Hospital voluntarily and later sectioned under the mental health for nearly two years, 18 months to be exact.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder whilst in hospital. I had psychology weekly and saw other professionals while there that helped me get mentally in a better place. I was also told I had sensory processing disorder too which was later diagnosed properly in the community. Being in hospital was a journey I cut myself a lot for a while in hospital and attempted a few other things like putting wires around my neck, which resulted in my bedroom being stripped all I had in their was no personal belongings just a bed and a chair. I also was restrained for a few weeks when I really kicked off cos I wanted to leave hospital as i’d been in there a long time already. Hospital staff really helped me I even learnt independence in there and made friends with one patient in particular. I had activities in their to do just as crafts for a couple of hours a week which I enjoyed where I did paintings and cross stitch. I still saw family and had home leave every week.

I left hospital in 2012 in the August. I have been with the same care company since I came out but I have shared with two clients each of them on different occasions but they never worked out due to clashing and them not being suitable for me. I now live in a. flat since 2015 and I have learnt a lot more independence, done volunteering and I have come on a lot I don’t self harm as much anymore there is times where I do it still but its very occasionlly and I still have low moods which can become depressive but not as much and I still am a and sleeper.

Things are better things will take time and maybe never be completely gone the mental health, but I am trying each day. I keep busy like my professional team want me to like doing art, walks, reading…etc but some days it works, some days it doesn’t. my carers have helped me become who I am today aswell as the hospital staff also my parents/family and my care provider. especially those who listened when I shared with clients, I feel if I kept on sharing I would of ended up being back in a mental health hospital as I was stitched up in a and e twice due to severe self harming with glass and I was banging my head and felt depressed a lot.

I am getting there slowly

Lucy x